Deconstructing faith or deconstructing Central Church?
- Are you mad at Central Church's people?
- Are you mad you didn't get the preaching job a couple years back?
- Things at church were going so good for everyone, why wasn't that true for you too?
Those are all fair questions, especially with my departure being so abrupt and without any warning or explanation to the "general public".
Short answers: No, no, and I'm not you.
Longer answers:
Are you mad at Central Church's people? No. My faith journey *includes* the good people of Central Church, but doesn't exclusively revolve around them. Sure, some interactions and relationship dynamics contributed to my faith journey/deconstruction process, for better or worse, but God was and is certainly involved in the process as well and sometimes he moves people around for their individual needs and that is the case here.
Are you mad you didn't get the preaching job a couple years back? No. The elders of Central invited me and another co-worker to "put our names in the hat" if we wanted to be considered for the preaching position at the beginning of the search process and neither of us chose to do so.
I didn't say it at the time, but not only did I not want "to be the preacher", I was already considering leaving full-time paid ministry at least two to three years before that moment. My view of ministry, churches, and the whole mix had already undergone significant restructuring internally.
Things at church were going so good for everyone, why wasn't that true for you too? Well, that's all relative isn't it? Lots of things look good in public without any context, but aren't necessarily true on a personal level, especially up close. I'd been going through a lot of things that had stirred my deconstruction momentum even more and it is hard to convey, fully and meaningfully, their impact.
Here are a few examples - not every example - but some more easily recognizable things that people who don't know me super well might be able to see from a surface level. Let's start with the fire...
We had a big fire at the Central Church campus some years back. Burned the gym and smoke damaged many other parts of campus. Everything got shut down and we had to move off campus for a short time while things got squared away with the law enforcement side of the fire department, getting the rebuild going, etc. In addition to the fire itself, we had some significant personnel dynamics going on behind the scenes that eventually led to the departure of a few key people.
Our insurance agent came and met with me right after the fire had happened and said that it would be hard for me to grasp at that point, but that from his experience with similar situations, I needed to be aware of how hard the next couple of years were going to be for the church in general and for me in particular as the church's primary administrator (at the time). And just about everything he warned me about came true. I had no idea.
Women's roles - Adjacent to the fire, we also, as a church, went through several months of studying the role that women "can play" in the church. My religious tribe has historically restricted the things women can do in the context of a Sunday AM worship service and in other roles of church activities.
To summarize our lengthy experience, we studied the subject repeatedly with the goal of asking, "Have we been restricting females from doing things scripture doesn't prohibit? And if so, what can they do and what should we allow or promote as a church?" [And let me say to those on the outside who are incredulous just reading that, "I know, I know..."]
After a lot of study and discussion, the elders voted to allow more things to be done by women "in church". That ruffled a lot of feathers and we lost a lot of people over the next few weeks and months. Did anything really change at Central with what women can do? Not as much as you might think.
Women could, after the fact, stand at the front of the room and make announcements or "share their story", etc - but we'd already been doing that for a while anyway. Substantively, to me, nothing really changed and we went through all that, essentially, to do what we were already doing. Regardless of "was it worth it?" the loss of relationships with those who moved on was very hard.
COVID - Enough has been said about this from everyone in the world, but essentially we shut down as a church and I spent many months producing our online worship service, week after week, producing online content and meetings, week after week, etc.
Beyond the change in format, a lot of really weird relational, political, and economic discussions/decisions were had and made through all that and it was *the* quickening agent for a lot of relational disconnect between myself and other leadership.
Changing preachers - There was a sizable enough push to change preachers/the pulpit minister. I was the primary administer/staff oversight person at the time and I sat on the fence between my good friend of decades being given his hat and asked to move on and others who were wondering why the elders weren't hurrying the process along.
By this point, I'd already been asking some larger questions about faith and the future and this period of time was simply the writing on the wall, that was already there, getting a spotlight shined on it to make sure I could see it more clearly.
In the middle of some people mourning a change they didn't want to see happen and others celebrating a forthcoming change they'd been planning for a long time, my eyes and faith journey were focused on something completely different. The previously mentioned relational disconnect that was hastened during COVID was essentially affirmed/made clean through this process.
Personal stuff - my kids were growing up and big things were happening with them, a young niece was hit by a train and killed, my mom's health went south quickly and me and my siblings watched her decline and pass away over the course of a few months, and when I got back home from doing her funeral, we had a significant water leak in our house with a lot damage to repair, etc. You know, normal life stuff.
Didn't people reach out to you through those things? Sure, many people I love and know love me reached out and offered encouragement and support, but some things aren't that easy.
Whether I felt supported or encouraged through any of all that stuff (and more)...it wasn't the only thing going on in my heart. I only make this post because this is the framework/the questions through which many can and will be able to hear any kind of answer.
There are larger things I'll move on to after this - like is Jesus wanting all the lost people to become good church going people who all love K-Love and the Beth Moore from 20 years ago? What does God think about all those sinners out there who don't/can't afford to send their kids to Christian college and give 10+% of their money each week/month "to the church"?
You know...all the fun stuff. But all in the context of the process of deconstruction and then, the rebuilding.
Grace and peace to all. And much love. For real.
Comments
Post a Comment