Fighting, figuring stuff out, or just floating around?

"Hindsight is 20/20" - well, sometimes it is. And at other times, hindsight removes the viewer from the events or objects being viewed to such a degree that their interpretation of what was seen can be overly influenced by new awarenesses or perceived realities that were not present before.

We can then reinterpret our past based on what we feel, think, and want to be true today.  And that's one of the confusing parts of deconstruction and what follows.  And it's what determines whether what follows deconstruction is a rebuilding or complete destruction.

Good deconstruction, in my biased opinion, allows for both an interpretation of past belief or ideal in the context of "where you were at the moment" and not simply where you've "matured" to be later when you make a new interpretation after consideration of your current situation.

Looking back over several months and years, I can see intellectual deconstruction occurring but not in some kind of cognitive isolation.  Instead, it was occurring alongside or perhaps spurred on by emotional and relational deconstruction that was, at times, simultaneous.

In other words, not only was there an intellectual reckoning that was unavoidable, there were also significant periods or moments when people and feelings shifted, highlighting or altering the focus, perception, and understanding that I previously had (or didn't have).

In more basic terms, there were times I was growing in my understanding of things - learning new stuff, realizing how I thought about stuff before, coming to terms with the idea that I was previously "having to" believe some things before out of fear God and of people.

I grew up being afraid of God - not the healthy version of "Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom", but just sheer terror that I'd mess up enough that I'd be throw into hell if I were unfortunate enough to die when I wasn't ready AND it was always 100% on me to be ready.

Also, if you got out of line with your words and someone around you thought you might be hinting that you weren't 100% all in with the party line of beliefs and practices, you could get a verbal whipping that made you fear God even more AND made you afraid of people - "good church people".

And so you learned to live a double life - one where you acted one way around some people and a different way around other people.  Probably more real - it wasn't simply a double life, it was an a la carte life where you learned to act however you needed to act depending on who you were around.

I'd learned this at home early on when my dad would provide beer, cigars, and girly magazines to me when we were no where near mom - like from K through 3rd grade.  I never asked for them, but he'd provide all the above as if it was a part of life and the daily routine.

An important thing with dad was, "Don't tell your mother!  She'll just get mad."  And I'd seen them argue before and I did not want that to happen if I could help it, so now it was on me to help the adults in my life not get mad at each other by helping one hide their behavior or actions from the other.  No pressure.

And that was duplicated in "church life".  We had some people who were hard liners and shoved more God and rules anywhere they went and whoever they were around AND other influences who were either more grace-filled and/or reasonable OR who just didn't buy it at all - and everything in between.

I'd seen these church adults go after each other as well and it was reminiscent of watching my parents go at each other.  So I learned at an early age that in most situations in life you have to decide whether you want to be a patriot for one side or the other or if you just want to survive a war you were born into.

So, kind of a double agent - a chameleon - a two-faced personality - a no limit survivor who just wants to minimize feeling like their God or the powerful adults or people around them are always ready to send them to hell - the eternal kind with flames and such or the on the spot kind with a verbal dressing down.

And Revelation in scripture wraps up with a picture of who goes to hell and "coward" was one of the groups.  I know now how the word was being used in scripture, but at the time it was me - a coward who couldn't stick with one side or the other out of fear of personal pain.

And yes, that's probably true.  Even back then I didn't pick sides because neither side made any sense.  And you loved and respected people from different sides and couldn't see why they weren't able to come to some middle ground on their own and not make us be pawns in their personal games.

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So this stuff goes deep and way back.  On the top of that kind of background, most other parts of life were being built on top of that foundation.

Relationships were built on that kind of dynamic - even though it became less necessary, the need for that "Get out of jail free card" was still in the back of my mind and my back pocket.

Family decisions, educational decisions, vocational decisions, and "eternal decisions" (and probably a few others) were all built on the foundation of "it's important to know how to play the game".

You can know what you know and believe what you believe, but beware of what others think and be sure to play the game so as to get by/get through life with minimal loss.

So you spend a lot of your time figuring out who the power brokers are in your little tidal pool so that you can embrace or avoid them for personal benefit until the next tide comes in and resets the game.

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All that loquaciousness to say that deconstruction and rebuilding isn't just about what you believe, it's also about your experiences and interactions with the people around you.

You end up making choices out of a blend of belief and benefit. Truth is shaped by the price you're willing to pay. And sometimes the price is too high and the remaining options on the shelf are too unappealing.

And then you're pushed beyond your comfort and simply have to walk out of that store, perhaps never to return again because the sales people are pushy and deceptive, desperate for your cash and commitment.

And maybe they aren't really, but you've been burned enough before that you don't feel like you can trust these particular associates either.  The products may have changed, but the prices are still too high.  Oh, and the service is terrible.

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This post brought to you by the letter "M" and the number "2" and a reminder that I've worked through these things and am posting a "tape delayed" broadcast, as it were.

I'm just sharing this in hindsight so that others who might wonder where they are in their own journey might find a better foothold for themselves.

Grace, peace, and joy in your own journey.