Almost 3 months later; any regrets?

In the weeks after leaving a long-term job, I guess it's normal to get asked a lot about how you're adjusting to, coping with, or transitioning to the next thing.  You know, "How are you doing now? Like, are you okay?  For real?"

I get that and am grateful for the few from "back then" that ask.  And yes, doing well.  And no, no regrets really.  The freedom from not "doing church" like that is hard to describe.  The free interaction with God without the need for an emcee-led group is astounding.

Also, the relatively low level of interaction with most people "from there" since leaving there has reminded me that my core collection of people, while overlapping some in that group, had essentially moved on and/or I'd moved on.

People are busy, they have their own things to do. You get a sense of how critical or important you are by the amount of "reaching out" you get from people.  Now I kinda know the lay of the land better.  And it confirmed a good bit about the nature of "there".  

Looking back, I feel I'd allowed myself to become a "functional good" that people enjoyed being around. So when people said, "We love you" and later "We miss you" it often felt more like "We love and miss what you did for us and how you fit into making things go and work like we want them to." 

Few are interested in more than that - few will appear to be really interested in you because that's work and ain't nobody got time for that because it'll take away from the good feels we have and what we want to do.  And I'm guessing that's just true across the board in life in many groups and organizations.

Cognitively, I know that's not the whole story or 100% reality, but it is how it felt/feels.

In more than a few conversations with some of those remaining good connections, I've been asked about other people who left there as well ("I haven't seen ______ in a while. Where are they?").  When I mention that those asked about had moved on some months before me, there is surprise.  Imagine that.

I'm guessing, looking back, that in addition to the deconstruction and rebuilding that was and is going on, the level of relationship saturation had reached such a level that, to an extent, I was already gone.  And that's pretty normal, sociologically speaking.

So, from a high level point of view I'd say there was the theological and ecclesiological internal rift that had grown to the degree that it was unavoidable and, combined with the strong shift in relational dynamics that had occurred in the previous three years, and the nausea I felt at the idea of walking into another "worship service" there, it was definitely time.

__________________________________

I have no regrets with my history.  I don't wish I could go back and do things differently.  I am grateful to God that he worked things out to where they are currently.  I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't gone through all those things and I know God used me and mine to do things I can only begin to guess about.

I ran across the movie The Matrix again recently and the scene where a guy who had escaped it was asked by the "bad guys" of The Matrix if he'd like to go back because they could arrange him to slip back in and have the life he wanted, if he'd just betray what he stood for.  And he did.  The thought of that is revolting.

__________________________________

The hardest thing about leaving has been the identity shift.  When I quit the part-time teaching gig at UCA years back, I experienced about a year of identity shift.  Sixteen years of driving from Little Rock to Conway several days a week, standing in front of two or three classes and teaching for a few hours, grading papers, etc - all that was burned into my brain and my "self".  Leaving ministry and church life after 34 years in the same place is like that on steroids.

Knowing you're free and being able to embrace and walk in freedom is or can be challenging.  It's like that picture of an elephant or horse that has a rope tied to it and is only secured to one place by a plastic chair.  It could go running off anywhere because the rope and the weight of the chair are nothing, but the mental tie keeps it standing there.  There are moments like that for me - remembering the ties to the past don't hold and have no power unless I allow them to.

___________________________________

In times where nothing fit or made sense, there was a lot of self doubt.  It is just me?  Am I the problem?  And maybe I was.  Or at least partially.  

But then I stood back and thought of the flow of people, decisions made, things focused on/ignored, and all of that combined together made me stop looking at details and the tiny "What if's?" and look at larger things like, "Do you want to spend the rest of your life acquiescing to other's vision and desires, just for a paycheck?"  

That was a question I felt from God repeatedly for the last year as I watched the same dynamic that people used to complain about, unfolding yet again, just with different clothes and a new spin.

I feel that to the degree I was not invested in some of directions of the organization, I was probably in danger of turning into a liability and eventually being off-loaded in like manner that other co-workers were. Having seen the inside of those decisions and dynamics and not just the PR that was shared, I had no desire to experience the "loving concern" of the brethren.

And in the middle of all that, verses like this on kept appearing in front of my mind constantly, telling me something I didn't want to believe or trust just yet...

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

And so, eventually, the answer to that question above was relatively easy. 

Better to leave on your own terms.

___________________________________

Several good friends, after the decision to leave was made, came out of the woodwork to affirm and say, "FINALLY!!!  We are so glad you left.  That seemed like it was going to kill you if you didn't.  Don't worry about stuff - money will come from somewhere - we're just glad to see you free finally."

So that helped a lot and still does.

I still love and try to stay in touch with people from back then as much as time and healing will allow, but I also own the reality of life, the choices we all make, and that fact that God has plans that might prohibit those kinds of things.

And that's all I'll say about any of that from now on.

____________________________________

Now I look forward to each day, each moment.  

Life is a gift today, not tomorrow.  

Tomorrow is a dream that might or might not come true.  

What we do today often determines what tomorrow will be like, so make the most of today.

Grace, peace, and much love to all.

Moving on...