Hostage to your parent's church or free to rest in God?

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."  Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

This short passage in Ephesians 6 comes in the middle of Paul talking about what it looks like to live in submission to one another out of reverence for Christ - in other words, "if you're amazed and have deep respect for what Jesus did for you, live this way with each other".

A lot of young people continue on in the faith of their parents, some because they have went through the "crisis of faith/do I really believe this?" moment or moments and they actually do "own" the same faith that their parents raised them in - they "do it" because they too believe it (or at least they say they do).

And then there are the other options I see all around them - the majority of them.

Some just drop out.  Some of the drop outs do it externally in that they "leave the church" and leave religion all together.  They don't even bother to explore other faith variants, they're just done.  They were shut down years ago with a lot of "don't question anything" and so they literally stopped doing that.

The harder to spot versions of "drop outs" are those that keep going to church to make mom and/or dad happy, even though they left inside long ago.  They'll never tell mom and dad--they just don't want to make waves or them unhappy or to lose their approval or financial support/free babysitting, etc.

Some actually explore their own faith in God or explore non-faith and then make a decision about what they'll do based on the freedom and confidence they have.  

Some do actually walk away entirely and have no faith to speak of, religiously speaking.

Some do end up leaving behind any sort of religious practice but still remain "active" as a believer of some sort internally.

Some chose to "go to" a different kind of church or faith experience and actually become more active and faithful in their new experience.

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I remember a faith leader in my life from years back who said, "It's no question that our children will have faith.  The question is will our faith have children?"

That question is a good question.  Most of our kids have or will have some kind of faith - even if it's faith in science, the good will of humanity, or their own homemade blend of things.

The question of whether or not our faith will have children is harder.  Will our offspring experience what we experienced, see what we saw, and respond to it like we did?  No, they won't.  

Many of us who grew up in a church, especially in my tribe, assume that it's possible to pass along the same belief, commitment, and loyalty that we have or had.  And that's really not possible.

You've heard the old saying that you never step into the same river twice?  Same with people, religion, faith, time, etc.

There are very subtle, nuanced differences in how we experience things that cover up very large, behind the scenes differences that prohibit actual shared beliefs as we sometime imagine them to be shared.

We can pretend we "get it" and act like we agree with people, but often that is covering up what we actually do or think to protect feelings and to let people think we agree with them.

We LOVE the thought of our children experiencing the good things of church and faith like we experienced them.  We want them to have the same warm feelings we had.  They probably are, but for different reasons than we had.  I know it's hard to grasp, but it is 100% true.

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I was really surprised to run into actual college educated adults with careers who do this submitting to their parents "about church".  And then I met some of their parents/families.  

After meeting some of them, the dynamic actually reminded me of long term hostage situations.  High maintenance, controlling parents who have not separated from their kids - intent on making choices for them and "making sure" they stay on the right path, or else.

Some were just sad - the parents genuinely don't know their children well and/or don't want to believe that their kids could wander off the farm and so they don't even entertain the thought.

Some were genuinely and openly hostile/defensive toward anything that might appear to move their children away from the company line and their kids made mention of it - "Wow, when that happened in church last week, I wasn't sure what my mom/dad was going to do.  I heard about it later from them.  I hope that when they visit again that we don't __________ that day so I can keep on going here."

And there were and are a lot of other similar dynamics I have witnessed over the past ten years or more.  These are just some stereotypical things I've seen or heard.

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No one can see inside another's heart and judge them.  All we can do is see what's on the outside and witness the actions and words displayed to us and make a general assessment based on what we see and hear.

Regardless of all that dynamic and how it's explained, the bottom sad line to me is the great disconnect between parents and kids when it comes to faith.  

I don't believe Paul's words above apply directly to this kind of situation - where kids "keep going to church" their parents prescribe for them, even as adults.  There is way more to what Paul is saying and "going to church" is likely not at all what he's talking about here in the larger picture.

It's a lot of work to keep up with each other as people.  Especially for parents and kids - time, distance, educational differences, different experiences, etc - all make it a lot harder amount of and quality of work to stay connected and on the same page. 

My prayer is that parents will make the effort to:

1) interact with themselves and their own faith to know what they really believe and not just keep with the party line, internally, out of respect for their parents, 

2) interact with their children (even the grown ones) about life and faith as they are growing and developing their own adult/family situations, and 

3) be there to love, give humble guidance, and yet be flexible enough with them and trusting enough of God to believe that even if they make different choices, we trust God enough to know it's gonna be okay.

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I've been around long enough to know that some will read that and interpret it as "Wade said that if our youngin's run off and become transgender, lesbian muslims, that should be okay with us."  

Or something equally crazy.  I grew up in a tribe where that would not have been a strange thought for someone to articulate.

No.  Just no.  Grow up.

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Having said all that "Debbie downer" stuff, know that there is great hope!  

Even for those who feel their kids have walked completely away from God.

We can trust and depend on God and it doesn't mean we've failed if things in life unfold differently or on a different timeline than they did for us growing up.

God is faithful and trustworthy in each generation - and we just happen to be living in a time of great transition between generations that experienced some of the most drastic cultural change that has existed.

God is at work still and even though everyone thinks that the eclipse and Israel/Gaza and Russia/Ukraine and Biden/Trump and Ford/Chevy or whatever we come up with mean that all is lost and the end of time is upon us - remember that Jesus didn't say we'd know when God was coming back, etc.

And it really doesn't matter.  All that worry is distraction from trusting and depending on God.  And he is still at work, even though taxes are high and you can't guess the price of chicken six months from now.

Keep trusting in him and you'll begin to see him at work like you haven't before.

More soon. 

Grace and peace.  Lots of peace.