Rebuilding recap and the future

God's grace and mercy are #1.  No more believing that I'm in danger of messing this up.  People who constantly need to drop the fear card get escorted away.

God's people are important and he answers prayers and gives his blessings through them, but they aren't the gauge by which I can feel God's approval or disapproval, nor are they they boss of me.

If I'm open to it and inviting of it, God transforms me by renewing my mind (and is doing so) so that what I value and pursue changes, what I believe changes, and what I do changes.

Knowing God is a life of trust and dependence on him, not a life of repentance and obedience. The former will bring the later, but the later by itself is nothing but fear and used by religionists to keep people in line.

Church is a community of people who "do life together", not simply a weekly gathering.  Gatherings are important, but too many people believe "going to church" is the primary action required by God. Nope.

Worship isn't "five acts" in a building, it's life.  We've confused singing with worship and you can certainly "enjoy" hearing yourself/others sing or the comfort of familiar tunes and it can have little to do with God.

People are afraid of change, especially if you mess with what is known and comfortable. They assume that if they like or benefit from something, you do too and, if not, something is amiss with you.

Nepotism, cronyism, & narcissism is the engine behind leadership in many churches. I scratch your back, you do mine. It's the way things are done, it's not personal, it's not even understood - it's just the norm. 

Following God requires faith to leave things behind. It's no accident that a major story of faith in scripture begins with the call of Abraham to leave behind and "go to a place I will show you".

I'm grateful for many years of work inside a church and it was not a waste. Me and mine benefited greatly. But it's not for me anymore, at this point, at least. The thought of going on was literally nauseating.

The shadow of that way of life is and will be a tough thing to shake, but is happening. Deconstruction is like having a root canal with no pain killer and it's done over several months and years.

The church that focuses on "the children are the future" will eventually learn that they teach the children to do the same and that older people exist only to serve families and children. There's no balance with that.

Leaders are often seen as the ideal kind of person to be, but have all sorts of personal issues that shape their "leading/serving" and that means both good and bad things.  But it *all* get's glorified as good.

Tokenism is still a thing in churches. Whether it's race, gender, or other current special interest group, there's always a way to find a willing representative that supports you - usually without them knowing.

In spite of its failings, local church is still a good place for many to grow & serve. It is what it is &, for many, it's a way station to the next place in their faith journey.  The Great Divorce is a good book for this.

The number of people who've shared they "get it" in regard to my deconstruction, rebuilding, quitting my church job, etc has been amazing.  Most empathize and say, "but I don't know what to do now".

No one is more surprised by "all this" than me.  I thought for a long time this was just a passing phase that I'll work through.  Nope.  There's something going on in "religion" that called me away from it.  TBD.

I do sometimes feel bad @ relationships that abruptly changed/ended. I didn't know how else to do it w/out making it worse for everyone.  I still love all those people; just can't "do church" there anymore.

Trust is hard earned and easily lost. Promises are words with good intent OR useful placeholders to get people to "move on" and quit bringing up inconvenient things.

A bully who changes their tactics from overt aggression to smiles and love bombing is still a bully. Humility and control are things that rarely naturally go together.

Politics makes strange bed-follows.  Religion makes even stranger bed-fellows.

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Whew.  I had a whole bunch of stuff sitting in the corner of my NotesApp I needed to just throw out there & be done with (hopefully) so I can move forward.  There's more, but this needed to go sooner than later.

A lot of new questions continue to appear on the horizon.  

"But what about __________?"

"And what about __________?"

"Aren't you afraid that __________?"

"What will you do when ___________?"

And I'm learning that the illusion of the control of the future is an idol just like anything else.  

I can walk in trust and dependence with God today and not worry about any or all questions about tomorrow.

So if I don't answer some of those questions, it's because I'm re-learning to live in the now.

Grace and peace and much love to all.