The power of suggestion

The car salesman said, "Flip the switch to four wheel drive and drive over to the other side...did you feel that four wheel drive kick in?  Doesn't that feel powerful?"

Fast forward to a few weeks later when I was speaking to a friend who knows about cars, four wheel drive, and such and he suggests that I have my new-to-me-used Jeep checked out at his friend's shop.

Turns out the four wheel drive linkage/mechanism in the new-to-me-used Jeep was gone - didn't exist.  It was now just a regular rear wheel drive vehicle, even though I "felt" the four wheel drive "kick in".

The power of suggestion can be strong.  People can say things we want to hear and we will find a way to hear their words and establish some kind of "Yeah, that's right" feeling or belief.

Sometimes it's because we want to be liked or thought of as smart or other things like that.  Sometimes it's because we want the thing they say to be true, even though we don't have evidence that it is.

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Some years ago I read a book called "Pinocchio Parenting" by Chuck Borsellino, a psychologist who works with kids and families. It was a jolting and surprising read.

I was initially surprised by the lack of attention it got in its target audience - one that normally scooped up books about family and parenting.  It seemed to barely register a blip on the radar.

After a bit, I began to understand why it didn't get pumped up as much. It was considered by many to be a downer and it completely stepped on a lot of toes of people who were doing what he said wasn't good.

The premise of the book is that parents lie to their kids - a lot.  They say things to their kids with good intentions, but with misleading ideas that would have serious consequences in their lives.

Some of the lies seem very small and almost motivational in nature, but do have very strong cognitive and emotional baggage they give a person for a lifetime.

Here's a few chapter titles/lies:

• You can be anything you want to be
• Looks don't matter - it's what's on the inside that counts
• It's the thought that counts
• Tell me the truth, I won't get mad - YOU BROKE WHAT?
• Love will last a lifetime
• You can have it all
• Daddy and I were just wrestling
• If you have talent, you're bound to go far in life
• Busy kids are happy kids
• The best things in life are free
• If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger

Those don't sound too bad, I guess - but he unpacks the unrealistic ideas that are planted in a person's mind if they don't have some large qualifiers, explanations, and further teaching that go with each lie/idea.

For example, millions of kids dream of playing ball of any kind at the professional level, but an infinitesimally small amount of people ever make it there, no matter how much they "want it".

The truth is, you may not be able to be anything you want to be in life, but you can do the most you can with what you have and maybe do it in a way nobody has seen before.

I could go on about the book with other examples, but you get the idea.  Words mean something and can have lasting impacts.  The power of suggestion is sometimes more powerful than we imagine or intend.

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Because of how busy our lives are or that we sense they should be, we don't often have or make the time to listen to the scripts our brains run on that we picked up over the years - we don't listen and discern what's in our hearts and minds OR where the ideas came from OR whether or not they're good or bad.

At some point early in my life, my dad passed on a lot of ideas to me about women that I found out later were 100% NOT true through actually listening and observing. He'd talk about red haired women being really feisty and hot headed. Fair haired women were stupid or dumb. Dark haired women were stubborn.

It was always about the hair or their appearance. Fortunately, I'd seen my dad make some poor decisions enough that I was able to know I ought to think his words and ideas through before accepting them at face value. I don't know where he picked his ideas up, but they were way off base.

A lot of people DO accept ideas, beliefs, and habits from the people around them as if they are THE truth and they rarely challenge them.  They may go on and create their own truths that are based on what they've learned and maybe even develop different beliefs that are a reaction to their originals. 

At one point in my life, someone said, "The best gift you can give yourself and the people in your life is a disciplined mind".  It took me a while to digest that.  But I do think it's true.  And it doesn't mean a stubborn or rigid mind, but one that takes the time to know itself and use wisdom in self governance.

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Whether it's religion or politics or economics or whatever, people would benefit from taking time to think about what they think, how they think, and who has been contributors to that content and process.  It is hard to do if you've not done it and it can be as unfulfilling as hearing your own voice in a recording.

For those who do take the time to listen with discernment, it can be liberating and surprising, over a period of time.  I never want to leave the idea with anyone that the exploration of themselves is quick and cheap.  It can be heart-rending and costly.

Much of our culture and many of our institutions bank on you never going through that kind of process. It's easier to get people to go along with whatever is happening if you don't have people questioning where they're being led or what they're being sold.

I enjoy listening to and reading voices that can and do go deep into the weeds and help develop understanding.  It's been interesting to watch in the past ten years as a lot of disconnected people who've felt a degree of hopelessness have come alive with going through this kind of process, even at great cost.

My prayer is and has been that more people will engage their hearts and minds, even if it means they disappear and miss a season or two of what's popular or current or whatever - that they go and take the time to value our world and others enough to value themselves.

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Grace and peace and goodwill to you all.  May your day be full of those things.