One year out...

Today is one year since I left "full time ministry" after 35 years. Deconstruction and rebuilding is still ongoing, though heavier into the rebuilding side in recent days. I realize, the longer I'm in this process, how foreign and frightening it is to a lot of people - especially church people.

I still believe in scripture, God, grace, God's people as his family, and all those good things. I still believe in the complete forgiveness of sin, the gift of God's Spirit, the gift of being in his family, and that we live in trust and dependence on him, through and because of Jesus.

I have watched others going through deconstruction be labeled as heretics by well meaning people who want to protect "the institutional church" and hope that they can scare the deconstructionists back into line so they don't cause waves, lose their salvation, etc.

I think most of those people are well meaning. I do believe they believe that to break ranks on some things is just as bad doing some "big sin". And I get it. When the world appears to be going crazy around you, if people seem to poke more holes in your worldview, it can make you even more afraid.

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I still miss a lot of the people I don't see as much anymore. As I've said in earlier posts, as time and healing allows, we re-connect and keep up when possible. It's interesting to see how many other people are going through the same thing, but don't want to be public about it. I get it.

After surfacing and facing all those dynamics recently, I realize how the deconstruction process clarifies the nature of those relationships more. Lots of facing misplaced assumptions and expectations onto people who never asked for it and weren't equipped for it. Lots of grace being reciprocated and recirculated there.

I see God at work just about everywhere now, not just "in church" - but also "in church". It's our nature to draw a hard line around things like buildings, membership roles, days of the week, and certain patterns of behavior. But I see God at work over and across those lines now, not just behind certain lines.

As the apostle Paul talks about a lot, God is at work in this world bringing people together across formerly uncrossable lines. And I think we struggle with that process. We know the early believers were also struggling with it, otherwise we wouldn't have most of the New Testament letters addressing that.

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Recently, I took in a podcast where two people who had "deconstructed" were sharing their story and how they were both "back in" a regular, institutional church. It was interesting listening to them share their POV. It was interesting to see how the people "in their church" lifted them up as good examples to follow.

We like it when someone who has "gone away" comes back. As they shared their stories, it was very similar to when I would hear about someone who had "gone into sin" and "came back" OR who had joined *gasp* another church/denomination, and then "came back".

It seems that we struggle with the idea that a person can be a believer who meets with other believers in a house on a Thursday night or a back yard on a Sunday morning. It's almost as if people feel you *need* to be in a purchased property with a name on it, under the "oversight" of a person or group of people.

Again, I get it. It is comfortable. It makes sense. It is economical and efficient for certain things and certain measurable goals. I'm still not convinced that the medium isn't the message. I'm certain that most of what I see in the New Testament gatherings (i.e. 1 Cor. 14) is much harder to do in those situations.

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In the middle of all this past year, an election has come and gone. It's been interesting to watch "the Christian world" at large struggle with it. One side of a spectrum calls out the other for not giving away the farm to bring in the world, almost as if they see America as the promised land we need to share.

Another side of that spectrum calls out the other for not having any objective morality, any behavioral lines in the sand, any cultural roles that need to be kept safe, or any common sense about how money, people, and life actually work.

It seems those kinds of struggles have gone on for the past 2,000 years among believers. To the degree that some even "rose up" and oppressed or killed each other over "the right way" to follow God. The desire for power and control certainly can mess things up and cause believers on any side to be influenced.

Years in academia and study remind me of the fluid nature of ideas, culture, and society. Anyone is susceptible to having their buttons pushed/minds led to just about anything, given the right ingredients. I've been grateful to be going through this process during all that -- as a kind of buffer from it all.

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It's been good to walk in trust and dependence on God. There've been a LOT of days of talking with God and listening. "What's next? What's the best place to invest time/energy?" And so on. 

Most of the time, the answers have been "What's your hurry? Is there some place you're trying to get to? Look around you and be there for now.  If there's something I want you to do, I'll let you know. Trust me."

That can be highly unsatisfying, especially when you've grown up in a shame-based, production-model religious background where things are measurable and somewhat goal oriented.

To relax into the presence of God can be a thing you have to re-learn for a while. To believe that he's someone who offers mercy and grace and not a constant "What's it gonna take to get you to ____?!"

And you can fill in the blank with whatever. Give more money. Be more devoted. Serve more. Virtue signal more. Be outraged more. Be more loving. Be pure. Adore and follow your leaders more. Be a leader. Etc...

That's some more difficult internal work - to put all that you've heard and believed on the table and pick through it to see what actually is from God and what is not. 

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"Why not just skip all that work and go with the flow?" That's been one of the things I've heard. "Just jump in and don't think so much about it. Slip back in and benefit from the low hanging fruit that exists in these great places."

Deep inside, I get that. It's much easier to follow a party line. And yet the following of a party line is what I've watched push away SO many people from God because the party line ends up being our line, not good news from God.

I've watched a lot of people move from place to place and not "fit in" because they didn't match the socioeconomic flavor of the group. And these were people who tried hard to make it work and to get involved and fit in. 

I know human institutions will always be flawed and things like that will always happen -- in the current and popular style of how it's done. I believe that we worship our worship-service-style-approach to faith more than we imagine in our culture.

I believe there's more or different. Don't have the words for it yet. And I'm open to God leading in just about any direction -- that maybe this is my "wilderness phase" and he'll eventually move me to a place I'd not expect at this point.

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For now, I'm looking for others who are on a similar path and listening to what things they've seen and heard. For now, I'm getting together with others like that and letting God lead the discussions through scripture and what he's showing us through life, experiences, etc.

A lot of the times, I'm amazed at how these people are able to connect with "outsiders" who are interested in God, but afraid of "church" as they've come to see it over time. Maybe it's because they don't treat them as "outsiders" or "guests" at our gatherings.  Interesting.

There's a whole world of people I know and love who I believe really want to know and trust God, but they're currently afraid of or completely rejected by some of his people. And that breaks my heart. That's probably what drives me on most at this point.

In the meantime, I wish nothing but the best for everyone everywhere. God is the one working it out in and among us.  Even when things aren't going as I think they ought, he's not unaware of anything and I can trust him to be God.

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At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. 4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on usgenerously through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. 8 This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good.These things are excellent and profitable for everyone. (Paul in Titus 3)

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. (1 John 2)  

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Paul in Romans 12)