Moving on...

Moving on in deconstruction and rebuilding is a combination of grieving what you left behind and moving toward where you're going.

Seems simple enough, but it's challenging because you realize it's not simply leaving a long career in ministry, but a whole worldview that can never be entertained as valid or experienced the same way again.

History is rewritten and understood from a different point of view, to some degree. Relationships are given a different flavor or color than they had before.  It's just very different.

In the past month or two, I made it a goal to get things out in the clear daylight for myself. What part of the journey so far has been theological, per se? What part was relational?

I think I finally boiled it down to a very few personalities that I was regularly running counter with in my heart and mind and I had to own my frustration, anger, and disappointment with them. 

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In reflection, I think that in a "church context" we put a lot of stock into and weight onto people that they don't always ask for directly or overtly - some do, but not with a full understanding of what is coming.

Because of the way church is structured, you do place a lot of emphasis and responsibility on people who assume certain roles and, when they fail, disappoint, or betray your expectations, it can be hard.

Disillusionment and deconstruction is stirred when those relational roles blur and stir into the theological roles or church roles. It can be and is messy.

I wish nothing but the best for everyone in the rearview mirror. Like Paul and Barnabas having a disagreement and parting ways, only to come together much later under different circumstances, for different kinds of things...I pray that as a possibility.

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Way bigger than the relationship thing is the theological and ecclesiastical - the God thing and the church thing. I still sense God is moving me and mine along at a pace that requires patience, listening, rebuilding, and abiding in what is.

Sitting in the knowledge and awareness of God's presence in your life - a presence that doesn't go away because of circumstances, behavior, "bad days", etc - it is something that takes a while to take in and be comfortable with. 

Like, it changes everything. And not always in good, expected ways. 

I remember back in when we were part of the flow of church things, you'd "go" and "get something out of" your "going to church".

Or you might "get something out of" your devotional or a song on Christian radio.

It could be like little sugar fixes. Little pleasures. And that's pretty much not a thing anymore.

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Now, it's living in the presence of God all the time and knowing he loves me, is with me, etc all the time.

Sometimes I'll get a little insight into something or have a little revelation that I sense he provides and I'll have a little smile and maybe a little laugh in amazement.

I do miss those big emotional moments that you had occasionally.  You know, like the first time you heard or sang that Oceans song or saw the video?

Or maybe like when a good speaker tells a funny or heart wrenching story and ties it into scripture and makes a powerful point?

Those are cool things.  Well, they were cool things.  I still like some of those things, but I see them for what they are - things.  

They aren't God.  They definitely aren't "from God" just because they're in a church building or said or done by someone who is a believer.

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We tend to give a lot of credence to people, activities, art, etc that are presented in certain ways under the auspices of our religious tribes - people listen very closely and carefully as if the emotional or intellectual weight of the giver gives them a special voice from God that really isn't valid.

I remember Paul talking to the Corinthians about the fact that he wasn't a good speaker, but instead that he relied on God's Spirit and the truth, not excellent rhetoric or superior speaking/preaching, etc abilities which were apparently very popular "back then".

Being able to slow down the emotional expectation and assumptions from interactions with God and spiritual things is a process in and of itself.

I remember the quote from someone years ago about how the handling of the outsides of holy things can make us have a messed up relationship with those holy things.

It can take a while to reorient all those things in a healthy way.

But God is here and leading the way with me and mine.

Just like he is with you and yours.

Grace and peace...