Sharing Jesus from selfish pride

Is it even possible to share Jesus to make yourself look good? 

I've read about it & thought about other people doing it, but was never sure. 

One of those revelations you don't necessarily want entered my mind recently & pointed out this passage of scripture from Paul in Philippians 1...

"It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 

The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. 

But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice."

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People have different motives for doing things that even they are unaware of because of the way things work.

I remember hearing a fellow minister years ago share with a larger group of ministers that he'd planted three or four churches out of anger.

He'd shared a longer, hard-path, kind of personal story and how his motivation for sharing Jesus/planting churches was skewed and how he'd come to realize it and was working to be different.

And all of us in the room thought it was cool - not because he'd realized a flaw in his heart or motivation, but because he was a cool guy and it sounded cool to plant churches out of anger, etc.

I think some of us were caught up in ministry celebrity and how "working for Jesus" could make us look.

Competition, the desire for validation, the need to be successful, the need to be thought of in "those circles" - you name it, I've seen it, felt it, and lived it.

It wasn't until later I came to realize how completely secondary God and knowing God was in all that.

I could probably say God wasn't involved in it at all.  At least in the ways I thought he was.

It was a longer journey than I'd like to admit and I'll have to say it's still going on and will not end, but I finally realized that I'd left God out completely as a person.

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Trying to imagine it all from way back there, that sounds so strange - I mean, how could you leave God out of working for God?  But it's 100% possible.

It's a way of using God or your idea of God to get him to do what you want for your benefit.

It's dismissing the idea of God being someone you know and that he wants you to know him and interact with him as a person.

It's pretending that "you are God's and he is yours" so people will think better of you and that maybe you'll look better than others you feel are lesser than you.

It's probably also thinking that, because you're part of the larger religious system, you're on God's side and that you're doing the good, right things...being zealous without understanding what you're zealous for.

It's being really happy or proud that your church event is or looks successful, even if it didn't make God look good in any direct way.

It's making decisions about "church growth" or outreach that will draw in a certain kinds of crowds so you'll look like you're "in" or "woke" or whatever - virtue signaling for the sake of winning people to your brand - well, certain people, not all of them of course.

It's some really excellent and good looking things that are really dark and twisted at their core.

And people are drawn to those things, but not necessarily to God.

God CAN and DOES use all those things to help people know him.  

Even Paul says it right there in Philippians - even people sharing Jesus from jacked up motives are still planting seeds that can grow, even if it's growth in ways that they didn't imagine would sprout up later.

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I remember people in ministry saying they/we were not in competition with each other, but were 100% in competition with each other.

We'd say things like, "Well, if someone's needs weren't being met at your church, God just moved them where they would be." or other things to help others feel okay that their members joined "our church".

I remember decisions being made to move people in or out of roles because they were or weren't popular or effective - and maybe they were or weren't - for some very specific and selfish goals, usually.

Church decisions are often made to make sure bills are paid, personalities are magnified, certain communities or cliques are empowered, etc.

I've been there and done that.  I've been in the spot where you had to do a lot mental and spiritual gymnastics to justify throwing some people or gifts under the bus so that other people or gifts would be made larger, etc.

I still do that, all the time.  

God doesn't hold it against me, at all, but he definitely has let me see it in myself so that I can let go of some very artificial ways of relating to him and to other people.

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Many years ago, a favorite "Christian musician"/entertainer of mine, Bryan Duncan, told a friend of mine as they were getting off a plane together, "You can't make Jesus and you look good at the same time."

I thought that was cool as could be AND I went on to use that quote to try to make myself look good by using it with different people or groups.

It is a constant catch-22, walking with God and not using him to make you look good.

Of all people who could have used God to make himself look good, the apostle Paul was constantly doing the opposite.

He had as much reason to be proud and to "use God" for his own benefit as anyone in the world could have, but he was very self-deprecating SO THAT people would look to God through Jesus and NOT him.

I've had the benefit of hearing people from all kinds of backgrounds, ages, and places in life talk about this struggle and it really can be a struggle.

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I think it was Don Finto, some formerly popular person from my religious past, who was sharing about being at a large church conference, in front of 1000's of people and that, in his heart, he was feeling a lot of pride and was excited that HIS name, Don Finto, was going to be used and referenced in front of all these people.

He said that he "caught himself" and was embarrassed internally that he was so prideful and that he repented inside AND THEN thought to himself, "Well, now that I've repented of my pridefulness, God will probably bless me with them announcing my name in front of all these people..."  And so on.

It was refreshing to hear someone of that age and stature (in my eyes at the time) sharing how hard pride, even religious pride, was to shake off - maybe harder and more pernicious and evil than some of the "big sins" that pop-culture Christians like to point at.

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So now, I attempt to just be quiet and let God lead and work.  

I question just about all of my own motives for talking with people about God, Jesus, etc.  

It's not to say I don't do those things, I just question "why?" more than I used to and back away from situations where I begin to realize that it's about me and not about a person hearing from or knowing God.

I will have to say that the process of doing this kind of filtering has allowed me to see God at work more than I imagined.

Sometimes I've had eyes for "God to work" and he HAD to perform in certain ways, through certain people, with certain outcomes or it wasn't genuine or from God.

Now I think I understand a little more of what Jesus was telling Nicodemus about the Spirit going where it wants to and that we don't have control over that, we just watch it and maybe partner with it.

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Anyway...that hit me over the past day or so and I thought I'd write it down before the thought went away.

Grace and peace to you all.