Why is Wade doing this blog thingy?

If you don’t work for a church full time anymore, why do you care? Why don’t you just move on to whatever is next and not “pee in the pool” for the rest of us who are still swimming in it?

Good question!  First, to reestablish the daily discipline of writing. I have many scraps of writing - ideas, thoughts, questions, to do lists, reactions, sounds - and such the like on my Notes App on my phone.  I might be driving or doing something else and a thought will come to mind and I'll use "talk to text" to make a note for later.  

Much of it is for the purpose of reflection and looking back over my day or the week to see what I was thinking at the time and "Is it still important or was I just running low on coffee?".  

Some years ago I learned that if I don't make a note somewhere, I'll spend too much time later trying to remember it, so just write it down and just don't forget where you wrote stuff down.

A lot of those notes are simply raw material I've been storing up through this time of deconstruction and rebuilding - so when you are taking something a part, you still have that part that you can go look at again later and think it over and begin deciding about what to do with it next.

• Things people have said and done
• Things I've said and done
• Underlying assumptions and ideas
• Frustrations with people to unpack later

Basically, it's a choice to spend time looking at how the sausage is made in my head for understanding of how I got there, where the trajectory is/could be taking me, etc.

Second, I have an investment there and by "there" I mean in the lives of people I care about - family, friends, etc.  Just because I don't work at a particular organization doesn't mean I have written off all those people.  I still care about, think about, pray about those people and, as time and focus allows, will reach out to different people to reconnect or continue connections.

Third, some people "inside" are suffering unnecessarily.  I know from years of working "inside" how many people there are (and not just at that one congregation) who struggle with the same questions or dynamics I am working through.  Most of the time those people are not addressed or helped with those struggles and instead are told to just plug along with the main church activities and let it work itself out.  

That almost never happens.  Help never arrives because those in any kind of leadership capacity don't have the bandwidth, capacity, or experience with which to help people with doubts or questions.  They just don't.  They weren't picked as leaders for that kind of role, they were picked because they're safe people to keep the church going without rocking any boats.

For those inside who still struggle, I want to leave something that lets them know - if and when they get there - that they're not alone and that there are others who are with them/there for them.

Next, there are many people "outside" who need comfort and encouragement.  To summarize a great deal, there are many who "don't go to church now" and many who never have "gone to church" that only hear about God, faith, grace, etc through the lens or loudspeaker of "church" and that filter, for many of them, is quite simply awful.

Imagine coming from a background that has little to nothing in common with most people "at church" and then having those people try to tell you what "good news" is.  A lot of the time, that good news that they are sharing is actually very bad news to an outsider.  

The insiders think they're sharing good news with them, but they don't understand how much of their good news is actually being spoken from a socioeconomic and subcultural position that is miles away for the people they are "sharing the good news with".  And that isn't just a commentary on money or rich vs poor.

More on that later, but for now, just know that there are way too many people out here who look back at the church and feel nothing but exclusion or condemnation that has nothing to do with the gospel or the good news of Jesus.

Next, I need to make sense of it and others are trying to as well.  Having started this internal conversation a good while back led to a lot of conversations with people all over the place and I found that there are a lot of people out there working through the same stuff.

A lot of those people have tried again and again to go back and make church work for them and, some of them have found a group that actually works - that builds them up in this life we have with God and isn't just focused on a specific slice of life and their favorite things.  And that's great!

And a lot of those people have tried that again and again and it didn't work.  And some of those who thought they found a place ended up outside again after "that place" pulled out their secret list of do's and don'ts they didn't advertise up front for fear of running them off too soon.

For those who are figuring it out, I am too.  And for now I'll write about it here.  Have no idea how long it will last, but this is one way I can make myself keep working through it and not just stick my head in the sand.

And it is more painful than I’d imagined. 

• Relationships that have been transitioned - some to "pause", some to TBD, some to be left behind completely because trust is gone 
• Rhythms that are are disrupted - some never to engaged again, some that will find a new beat and a different song, some that will just take a while to figure out
• Identity shift - like when I left teaching college after sixteen years and it took a couple years not to feel like I needed to be doing that/being that, leaving the role of minister after 30+ years will take a while
• Worldview - there is the death of dreams, goals, ideals and more that I used to pursue and a replacement of those with a new set that are in progress of being developed

That's that.  More soon.  Grace and peace.