Flowers that aren't just for funerals

We associate things with other things.  It's sometimes intentional, sometimes accidental or as a consequence of how a situation unfolded.

When I was growing up, the only time I was around pretty flowers that had a lot of aroma was in a funeral home or at a church building, during a funeral.  Flowers meant death or burying someone.  Flowers were associated with sorrow, uncomfortable clothing, awkward ceremonies, talk of heaven or hell, etc.

Later in life, when it was time to go on a date with girls, there were times when people suggested that you get them flowers for special days or occasions.  So I'd go to the local florist and get whatever was suggested and, as you might imagine, the smell and the sight of flowers was still around death.

When our first baby was still in the womb, we had a lot of plans for life.  We had a name for her and a room being decorated.  Something happened and her life ended before it began.  And there were lots of flowers.  

For a long time, when I smelled flowers, all I could picture was her lifeless body in my hands.

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Again, we associate things with other things.  It's sometimes intentional, sometimes accidental or as a consequence of how a situation unfolded.  

In the case of flowers and me, it was just how it unfolded in life.  No one said, "Let's get Wade to associate flowers and death" - it just happened that way through social interactions, the kind of life we lived, what we spent money on or didn't spend money on - a fluke, a normal part of the unfolding of my particular life.

And that's just one small thing about me among many things.  And most people have things like that.  There are certain smells, sounds, food, looks, feelings, etc - all that are associated with other things or meanings, positive or negative.

I know some people who cannot stand a bright, cold winter day because they associate it with pain and headaches.  And still others have those same days and associate them with family, warm feelings, good times, etc.  

I know some people who associate sex with intimacy, bonded connection, and love while others associate it with pain, shame, and being dirty or even being abused.

Some people associate having a full stomach with the feeling of reward after a long day of work while others associate it with a desperate moment of relief from ongoing hunger and still others associate it with failure to be disciplined in working to get or stay slim.

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We try to raise kids with positive associations so they'll feel good about things we want them to like, enjoy, and succeed in.  Or at least we try to do that.  Sometimes we succeed at it and other times fail at it.

And vice versa, we try to give negative associations to kids about things we want them to avoid, find distasteful, etc.  And sometimes we do it well and vice versa.

And sometimes we mix the two up completely!  We end up wanting kids (or people of any age) to succeed or do well with something, but we try to motivate them with shame, negative comparisons, guilt, etc.  

And sometimes the very thing we want people to avoid or do poorly at, we talk about it in such a way that we actually entice people with it or even shove them in the direction of it.  Cause we're kinda dumb in how we approach things at times.

I think you might kinda get the idea of what I'm saying...

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A part of my rebuilding after some deep deconstruction and looking at the way my previous ideas were put together has been figuring out what I've associated with God, church, and the like.

MUCH of what I grew up with was negative.  I'd like to say otherwise, but it just was.  I know plenty of people who associate God, church, and the like very positively and I'm glad for them.  

A part of the behind the scenes working with a church and church related things was negative. You would not believe some of the stuff.  And I'm glad you don't have to.  And some of the things I saw as negative behind the scenes, others saw as functionally good or helpful, even if a little wrong, unfair, or distasteful for a time.

Too many times people with just positive or just negative associations don't acknowledge each other's existence or reality.  The negative only people often can't see any good.  The mainly positive can't understand why those negative people can't just get with the program and enjoy life like they do.

This explains why some people can walk into and out of the same "worship service" and have completely different reactions.  Ditto with a concert, movie, sporting event, TV show, interaction with family or friends, political event...you name it - it can help us understand each other, at least at a slightly under the surface level.

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I know from many conversations with many people who are inside "the church" who associate anyone or anything outside the church as negative because of personal, unique experiences that caused them to paint everyone with the same broad brush.

And vice versa, there are plenty who are outside "the church"/religious experiences who paint anyone with any faith or church connection as negative because of personal, unique experiences that caused them to paint everyone with the same broad brush.

And, again, the same can be said of politics, class levels, subcultural groups, etc.

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So what do we do with all that?

We don't listen to the next potentially rewarding group or people who might give us good feels and allow them to tell us how to feel or what to associate with what.

We don't listen to the next group that we fear will withdraw from us, harm us, shame us, or take resources from us to tell us what to think or do.

We don't stick our head in the sand and just keep plowing ahead because we've done that before and there's always a junction or a crossroads where the questions come up again.

We don't stick our head in the clouds and listen only to the lofty ideas and affirmations that keep us from looking at what's actually going on around us.

We take the time to unpack it and figure it out.  

I spent too many years assuming some people or groups were speaking on his behalf and for my good and for other's good.

And maybe some were.  

But now my filter is better suited for the experiences coming my way.

I am walking with God and asking him to walk me through the journey, taking all the time that's needed to understand what he wants to show me at the pace he seems to feel or show me is best.

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It was a long, long time - a really long time and a lot of work before I could unpack my association with flowers and death, and eventually, life.  

I can now be around flowers and beauty and enjoy it for what it is without just thinking about death.

And the same with God.

Grace, peace, and much love to all of you.