Jonah's whale & free cake

A lot of people get snagged on whether Jonah was swallowed by a fish or a whale or whatever...and miss God's heart for terrible people and the massive revelation God gave Jonah about himself.

Elijah thought he was alone and "done for" in a time of desperation and depression and God let him know that there were a LOT more people who, like him, were trusting God still - he wasn't alone after all.

There's a lot of stories like that in the Bible that show God working with people to reveal to them their own heart and let them see what they need to see about themselves and about God himself.

It's fascinating - either people taught those stories in a way that we focused on the fish/whale debate or other "action oriented" parts of the story OR we're just not ready to see the other story God is telling.

A big part of deconstruction, for me, has been the process of rebuilding. Like, do you really want to rebuild? And what do you want to build in place of what's taken down? Who do you want to decide that?

Since deconstruction for me was never about abandoning God, but more about "what kind of God am I trusting and depending on?", my choice has been - "God, let me know what you want me to know - you supply the parts for assembly or re-building and I'll follow your lead."

Usually, as I'd begin to start thinking about rebuilding something, he'd come along and say, "No, the ground isn't ready yet. You've still got some things to clear out that you don't see yet. You ready?"

And if you're trusting and depending on God, you can usually only say "Yes" if you understand that you aren't really ready from a human POV, but that you can either trust God or decide not to trust God.

Here's some of the big deconstruction/rebuilding dynamics he's helped me work at clearing out:

1) What do you really believe? Do you believe in me? Do you believe in scripture as a source for me guiding you? Do you believe in me working through other people and situations to guide you? Are you willing to lean into me speaking to you and away from what you've been comfortable with?

2) What story have you been telling yourself? Who have you been blaming for problems or frustrations? What role have you played in believing lies? What glimpses of info have you passed by without taking a moment to listen and look? What narrative are you living in now? Ready to see something else?

There are some other categories or dynamics, but those are the biggest and get to the core of it all. 

Those probably sound fairly easy, and for some, probably are. For me it's been like when you're sick and you know you need to throw up or you're not going to feel better.

Just when I think I've got a comfortable set of preliminary answers for the two sets of questions, he's said, "I think you have a little more inside that you need to be honest about - throw that stuff up and be honest."

And that's no fun. To sit down and think through and write out the most base things you think about people, organizations, situations, emotions, reality, truth, etc - it's not all pleasant and kind.  

To shout it out loud, to put into print - to see and hear without nuance the things you've felt, believed, etc - and then to stand back and unpack the story of each of those things, down to their root and related assumptions.

You see some things are real and true and some things are just immaturity, sour grapes, lack of personal development or responsibility, etc. It's a mixed bag you thought was more pure than not.

It's one of those Jonah moments - like when he was mad that the Ninevites actually listened God's message and then complained about the way God was taking care of him with a less than adequate source of shade, right when he needed some relief.

To have God unpack who you are and what you believe is one of those "dark night of the soul" moments that you thought you'd gone through earlier in life, but now realize that was only the the lobby of a much larger house.

It's terrible to see the really, really bad news about yourself and what you've believed.

And then, there's the other side that begins to unfold - gently and at an unguessable pace. 

He begins to reveal how much more grace, mercy, and love you've been living on and living in and that he doesn't abandon you.  

He begins to show you that he's not revealed your ignorance, immaturity, and insolence to you to shame you and ruin you, but instead to show you that he forgave all that already in Jesus and that he's inviting you into something better with him that you've not ever imagined before.

[It reminds me a lot of Hannah Hurnard's "Hinds Feet on High Places" that I usually read at least once every five years or so.  If you've not read that, it's an allegory of spiritual growth and our unfolding journey with Jesus. Good read. I know some people don't like allegories, but this one is helpful for some.]

A big part of the rebuilding is to make sure you're more clear on yourself and God before you begin to look at anything "new" going forward - before you make any decisions, plan anything new "for God", lead or guide anyone else in some formal sense - make sure you're clear on your own motives and the "why's".

So, after the "beat up" part of all that, God brings in a lot of grace, mercy, peace, love and other things that I grew up downplaying and applying to the wrong spots on my and other people's souls.

He reveals new ways and places to trust and depend on him. He reminds you of the grace that he has for others, just like he has for you and to remember to let him be their God too and that I'm not the screen door to his open door.

I 100% still believe some things differently about "church", the Bible, myself, and God - that wasn't reversed through this part of the process.  But it's like he is reminding me that "knowledge puffs up", so let's get a grip on how and why you have and are able to use any new revelation going forward.

Many years ago - I think it was 4th or 5th grade - my mom went with me to a school carnival/fair at the local elementary school I attended.  We didn't have a lot of money, but she found a way to get me a couple of dollars to buy tickets to play some of the games, etc.

After I'd spent almost all of them, I had one left and walked into the last room that looked interesting to me - a cake walk room.

I'd never been in a cake walk and had no idea what it was or how it worked.  There was a big circle with steps taped off in the center of the room and everyone took a place in the circle.  

When some music started everyone walked around the circle and when the music stopped, they called out a number from out of a hat full of numbers and someone walked up to me and handed me a cake. They gave me a WHOLE CAKE!

I had no idea what was going on.  I'm sure the look on my face said that because the person said, "Congratulations, you won a cake!" and motioned me to the door.

I walked down the crowded hall and as I approached my mom with the cake, she said, "What is that?" I replied, "A cake." She said, with a suspicious look on her face, "Where did you get it?" I tried to explain it to her and she didn't seem convinced.  "Take it back" were her next words.

If I remember correctly, we went down the hall and she talked to someone and they confirmed I'd won a cake in the cake walk.  Apparently she'd not seen one either or was surprised that I won one.

And yes, we got to take home the cake! 

Before that moment, we didn't know how cake walks worked apparently. We just didn't have a clue that you could actually "get blessed" - that kind of thing didn't happen to us.  And then it did.

__________

That's kind of been the dynamic I've experienced with God through all this over the years.  

There was always the promise of something good or amazing from God, but it all seemed to exist only in eternity - nothing much was available now.  

And to actually get that "cake" now, is amazing. To have him hand it to you and say, "Yes, it's yours" is amazing and changes everything.

No more performing. No need to dance or act or do to earn anything or get anything back - it's all a gift.  He already qualified us, already rescued us, already brought us in, already redeemed us, already forgave us (Colossians 1:12-14)!

As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5, it's the love of Christ that compels us or draws out our heart to live and to share with others, not simply a sense of duty or fear that we're going to be cut loose because we didn't get something 100% right, didn't respond fast enough to something, etc.

I know that deconstruction, for some, ends in no faith - or maybe faith in something that is not God. And I understand that. 

I know for some people, they need to walk in the desert a long time and have a lot revealed to them they weren't or aren't ready for until later.  

And I trust that God is doing that and that I don't need to rush out and fix anyone's process that doesn't seem to be going as fast as I think it should.  It can take a long time to tease out and trace the threads you've been holding onto.  Some of them are really long and run deep.

For me, deconstruction isn't just a dismantling of beliefs and ideas that are exclusively related to "church" or related items and practices.  There is a LOT of that and it has been HUGE for me.  But that's not all.

It also includes an examination of self and how all those religious beliefs and other social dynamics related to them shaped me to my core.  And it's still going on.  And will probably go on.  I have a sense that is the way God works with us, at least according to that crazy list of people in Hebrews 11.

Grace and peace.