The opposite of grace

A blessing from God recently – I got to listen to a “hero of my growing-up-faith” speak at a local gathering of believers.

20+ years ago, I would have been hanging on each word, being led by the emotion of songs sung prior to the speech, feeling the social pressure of people who I likely wanted the approval of, and listening to the message with a personal interpretation of conviction and direction, etc. 

This time it was a different kind of experience. 

Don’t get me wrong - I am grateful for those who were encouraged and built up by that moment.

I am glad that things of that nature are available for people who need them to move forward, day-to-day. 

At least I think I’m glad for them.

For me, it was very different in that it seemed like the same song and dance that I have ever heard in most every church message I have ever listened to growing up and yet I could hear it completely differently for the first time, without trying - it was just different.

The message was “God is who he is, you are always going to be inadequate and way below God, and you constantly need to get your act together…or else.”

I don’t believe that most people there interpreted it that way. I would not have interpreted it that way 20+ years ago. I would’ve heard it as a message of hope, encouragement, and of needed chiding for my potential, personal failures so I’d not be in danger of getting too far out of line.

The “…or else” part struck me very powerfully this time. 

My tribe of origin 💯 believes your place with God depends on your right behavior. No matter how much they talk about grace, they don’t know how to talk without betraying what they really believe - that it’s limited, earned, and potentially lost if you “go too far” and/or that grace really doesn’t exist, only earning.

If your behavior isn’t good enough (usually according to the person with a microphone), you are probably in trouble with God and certainly going to be scorned by people who think they represent his opinion of you.

___________

I think for a first time I realized I am over it. 

Done with the emotional manipulation accomplished through the fear of making God or “his people” mad. 

Done with the need to succumb to the peer pressure of group behavior. 

Done with pretending that anything done by somebody with a microphone is automatically important or authoritative.

That all might sound harsh or judgmental and I don’t really mean it to be.  

It’s really more a statement of gratitude that I realize I don’t have to constantly need to live in fear. 

Actually, I don’t ever need to be afraid.  

Ever.

And the ironic thing is God used those same people and situations, over time, to show me that we all need to use those experiences as a place to grow with, through, and from - it was a way-station - not the destination.

Progressively, incrementally, and at times imperceptibly, he used them to show me - maybe even drive me - to grace - and away from religious and social conformity to get God’s approval and his peoples’ stamp of approval.

___________

God works in mysterious, interesting, disturbing, and even humorous ways.

There is deep tragedy occurring alongside amazing and wonderful things and we all interpret life through what we see at the moment.

I’m grateful for the moment I got to experience.

Peace and goodwill.