Orphans & missing dads

Orphans come in versions, ages, and ways you might not imagine.

Believers are to watch out for widows and orphans. Jesus' brother, James, even said, "Religion that is pure and faultless before God is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress" (James 1:27)

Usually we interpret that as children who need to be adopted or have foster care provided for until they are adopted or "age out" of the foster care system.  

And that's a valid way of saying that in today's terminology.  

But I believe it incomplete to some degree.

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It is 100% true that people without parents need to be "visited" or taken care of because they will be lost, abused, and or die without care.

Several older translations say "fatherless" rather than orphans, because "back then" if you didn't have a father, you were essentially an orphan, culturally speaking.

To grow up without a father often meant no lineage, no inheritance, no male person to help you grow up and see that side of life.  

If you were a boy, it meant growing up without a trusted adult male to show you how to be a man.  

If you were a girl, it meant growing up without a trusted adult male to show you how men were supposed "to be" around females.

Sure, you can have adult males in a home who do a terrible or even damaging job of "being a man" in front of their kids.  Happens all the time.

But there is a difference between in how people grow up with one parent versus two parents.

I think we avoid talking about it because we assume there will be shame or scorn given to people from that background.  

Or we assume that someone with two parents are always automatically better off.

There's a lot of discussion you can have about that from different angles, philosophies, etc.

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Regardless of what a person's opinion is about the how's and the why's, I notice that a lot of people who struggle in life are people who didn't have a "full compliment" of parents or family.

It's especially true of people who grow up without a father, mainly because that's almost the default setting today - there are way more kids/people who grow up with no man in the house than there used to be.

There are huge consequences to that.

I see it in the way relationships of any kind form and fail.  Marriages, relationships, friendships, etc.

I see it in the way that people struggle to know how to work and to work with other people who aren't like them in some way they feel is important.

I see it in the way people don't know what to do with their life - success or failure, jobs, hobbies, or whatever.

There's a lot of people who struggle in life because of that - even very successful people - they don't know what to do or think about themselves.

There's no pattern of relationship for them to emulate or imitate.  They are stuck figuring it out on their own.

And yes, plenty of people who grow up with both parents can have the same struggles, but it's definitely the case that those who don't have both will have to go through something significant to "catch up" and be at peace that they are normal and not imposters, pretending to have it all together.

There is, potentially, a function that two relatively healthy people/parents can be for their kids.  

They can function to provide an identity, an understanding in how people who are still growing can and do work together, how to have a relationship in the ups and downs, how to be at peace where you are in life, and a lot more.

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I think one of the hard things for people of faith is grasping how strong an image a father is in scripture. 

God is portrayed as our father.  He's also referred to as a mother hen and other things too, but father is a pretty consistent thing through the new covenant scriptures.

And some people don't relate to that.  

As mentioned before, maybe because the father they had was not good, relatively speaking, or because they didn't have one.

Some fathers were potentially awful and abusive.

So, to hear God referred to as father can be a different experience, depending on what you grew up with.

When James talks about visiting orphans and widows in their distress, he was probably talking about people who had no food, no money, and/or no access to what they needed.  And that's 100% valid still.

But there are still a lot of orphans out there who struggle with life. It's great to be fed food and have clothes to keep you warm or covered - which was James' intent - but there is an ongoing need for so many.

Many who are trying to figure out life in a rapidly changing culture don't have a good base from which to work and will generally grasp at anything that seems to make sense for the moment.

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When I hear James' teaching about "pure and undefiled religion" I hear him say to be merciful and attentive to those who don't have a good relationship background, family background, or whatever blend you want to throw in there. 

Not everyone has the same things to work with or work from.  

Be merciful to the person who doesn't "get it" because they possibly don't have the same base knowledge or experience you've had with family or relationships or life.

Be merciful to the person who pursues things you would never pursue because they are working hard to survive and that pursuit - that thing you'd never do, is what feels like survival to them - even if it is destructive to them.

It doesn't mean they aren't needing to be guided into learning better or different or kept from experiencing the consequences of decisions or actions, but it does mean that you know there is deep work to be done for them to grow.

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And one of the places for growth, not just for people who didn't grow up with a "full family", but everyone, is to see what kind of father God claims to be.

Don't rail against men or "the patriarchy" or other points of view that are current reactions based on the idea that today's ideas are completely morally superior to those of the past, recent or distant. 

In the context of the first century, when much of what we'd call scripture was beginning to be written, assembled, and filtered, the idea of a father was used by God to explain a little about himself.

The idea of father in the Bible was talked about in different ways - some ideal, some needing correction.

Paul talked about how fathers should not exasperate their kids by holding their kids accountable for something they'd not been taught or learned - that it was the dad's job to help his kids know what to do and how to live.  

It didn't mean the moms did not have anything to say, but Paul was pointing out that dads, at the time, were the ones who were potentially a little more apt to fail to hold up their end of parenting.

A good dad would embrace and own their role of leading and teaching as the dad.

The letter to the Hebrews pointed out that dads would coach and lead their kids - discipline them - help them learn discipline and to grow and develop through challenges that could cause them to want to give up.

Some people interpreted the Hebrews teaching as "punish", but the idea of teaching and leading your kids through the challenges is more appropriate and matches what the author was trying to convey.  If your dad didn't love you, he would not teach you discipline - he'd let you just do whatever, even if it was destructive. 

The biggest picture of father and God together in the New Testament is in the story we often call "the prodigal son".  

In the story, the younger of two sons asks for his inheritance early so he can go enjoy life doing whatever he wanted.

He goes and blows his money and is broke and probably going to die or have to become a slave to survive.  

He realizes that, if he has to be a slave or servant to survive, why not at least do that "at home"?  He knew that his father was generous and took care of those who worked for him - he could go back and "join the staff" if nothing else.  It was a long shot, but worth a try.

As he's heading home, his dad has been looking for him and sees him while he's still a long way off and runs to him!

The son starts in on his speech and plea to be a slave (I imagine) and the dad just ignores all that talk and welcomes him back as his son, not as a slave or servant.

There are a whole lot of interesting things in this story that can be unpacked that show how incredibly gracious this dad was being, but that's too much for one post.

The basics are - a good dad, like God, will always welcome his child home - even if they've messed up royally and "embarrassed the family".

There are more things in the New Testament about dads/fathers, but that's the basics.

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That's a different version of a dad or father for many people today.  

It was back then too, just in case you thought everyone had it together back then.

God's version of dad or father is someone who will always do what's best for you, even if you don't understand it, are resistant to it, and don't deserve it - because he loves you in ways you don't understand yet.

And that is what grace looks like.