Deconstruction for grandparents

Deconstruction sounds so harsh, doesn’t it?  The religious kind, that is.

I mean, it sounds like you’re taking things apart and that you’re being calculated and cold about it.  And maybe for some people, it is that.

Probably in the future, it will sound a little different, but for now it can sound like a controversial, negative thing for many people.

Deconstruction really is about change.  It is usually about someone changing how they see things about belief, faith, or religion at a deep level.  

It’s not simply changing from one kind of Baptist church to another because you like the new place’s worship service better, it’s changing how you see the whole idea of faith from the ground up.  At least for many people.

What’s it like?

Imagine you’re a young child and you’ve been raised to believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.  One day, someone “slips up” and you discover that one or all of them are just your parents secretly providing you with gifts, candy, or money.

You probably still get the gifts, candy, or money, but now it’s a little different. You enjoy the festivities and the playing along with the holidays, but you know what’s really going on.

You might even grow up and have your own family and repeat the same stories and holidays with your kids, and not think a thing about it.

Kids are usually pretty resilient and most bounce back from the deception pretty easily, especially if you’re still giving the good stuff - the gifts, candy, or money.  

Deconstruction, at least at some level, is much deeper than that.  For many, it’s a realization that the reality they have believed is not real.  

It’s a revelation that something they’d built their life on might not be real.  Or it might be real, but very different from what they thought it was.

What does it look like?

It can look like a lot of different things, depending on the person and their circumstances. 

Some people go through it and don’t verbalize or talk about it at all. 

It might be because they don’t have the words to talk about it or they think that you wouldn’t understand. And that’s fair - there’s a good chance you wouldn’t.  At least at first.

It might also be because they don’t want to talk about it.  For them, it’s too personal.  

You might see a change in their life or you might not.  Some people just quit all religious activities without discussion.

Others keep going and stay quiet about it. 

You don’t notice any difference because they go about their religious business like kids who learned differently about Santa.  As long as they are getting the “good stuff”, they go along with it.

A lot of people would be surprised to find out that some of their fellow church members don’t necessarily “buy into” the beliefs, but they 100% enjoy the community of people that say they do. 

At the other end of the spectrum, some people make a big change in what they do and make a lot of noise about what they’re going through and want you to hear all about.

They might have picked up some new language or ideas and are excited about telling you all about it. They might also be a little aggressive in their talking with you, pressing you on what you believe and telling you why they think it’s wrong or misguided.

Some go to great extremes and reject everything that they once appeared to hold dear. They might pick up a different lifestyle or fashion. They might become distant and avoid being around family or others who were part of who they were “before”.

There are a lot of different ways it might appear that usually fall in between those two examples of extremes.  Results may vary.

_______________

Some decades ago, people used to be a little more black and white about this kind of thing.  If someone quit going to church or questioned their beliefs, they’d have been called someone who had become an agnostic or atheist.  

That’s kind of sad, because there were probably a lot of those people who were not agnostics or atheists, but were written off as such.  Usually it was just the way churches or religious people handled those who had hard questions and who wouldn’t just accept the answers that were given.

Some of those people simply accepted the label they were given and proceeded to learn what it meant to be that – and became that.

_______________

I know from a lot of conversations that a lot of people from the Silent and Boomer generations don't know what to do with all this.

They genuinely do not see how people can say they have faith of some kind but don't fully "buy into" and support the church that they've always supported.  

For them, faith in God equates supporting religious things and church. Anything that might cause other people to question or doubt this is something to be feared, shamed, or maybe even attacked.

As one friend said years ago, "I have no doubt our children will have faith of some kind - the question is, will our faith have children?"

A lot of people are there -- at the place where, in their minds, as long as their kids or grandkids are "going to church somewhere", at least they're "going". And "going" is still the litmus test, the high-water mark of believing in God, even if it is to a church that isn't what they'd want for them.

Some are stronger in their belief and are seriously saddened that their kids or grandkids aren't "doing church" like they did -- same brand, same style, etc -- because they want their descendants to carry on the faith they have and tried to pass down.

_______________

There is hope! 

As hard as it is to imagine, there are different ways of being a person of faith.

If people remember the stories from the Bible and history, there was a time when people had to leave different places -- Jerusalem, Rome, etc -- and they had to go "start over" as believers in new communities where people didn't "do church" like they had done it before.

It wasn't always easy. We probably wouldn't have the letters to the Romans and the Corinthians if it was.

People have had to figure things out every generation or so. They've had to sweep off the things that collected on top of "faith" and figure out what was real and what was something that was added by well-intentioned people for good reasons that have long since passed.

Usually, it's not been well accepted. The sweeping off stirs up a lot of dust. Tears are shed. Maybe even some sneezing. Maybe even some "Who asked you to come in here and clean things off?" moments.

The current generations that are still interested in faith are sweeping off some dust. And that is hopeful!

They aren't necessarily walking away, but they see something different and want to explore it. Maybe even commit to it.

But what they aren't interested in is being herded back into something that many of them have come to see as a slaughterhouse.

They're interested in talking. They believe there is something bigger than themselves. They don't accept the label atheist or agnostic, but they're also not interested in any religious label either.

Some of them are your grandkids and children.  

Some of them "go to church" with you on Christmas and Easter. Some of them might even go with you all the time. And they'll keep going, as long as you're around. They go for you. As long as you're here. And sometimes they'll tell you anything you want to hear so you are happy.

_______________

Instead of being fearful that "someone will get to them" and cause them to have doubts, it's probably safe to assume they already do have questions -- and -- this is a great time in life to ask them about their faith.

For example, ask them what they know about God and what he did for us through Jesus.  Or maybe what they think about how a person decides what is right or wrong.  

And just listen.  Don't interrupt.  Maybe ask follow up questions if it's quiet for more than 15-20 seconds.

I can almost promise that if you start off with some kind of question that they'll be tempted to tell you "the right answer", the conversation might make you feel good, but probably doesn't help you get a sense of where they are.

If you already have a good relationship with them, great!  Keep that going.  

Work at talking with them about faith and what they believe.  Given enough time doing this, you'll have a sense of where they are.  And probably where you are in relationship to them.

More soon.

Peace and goodwill.