Church hurt

Church hurt.  It’s a thing.  It’s pain caused by something related to and identified with a local church or even religion in general.

Early on in deconstruction and rebuilding, it was something I “pulled out and set to the side" as a separate thing to look through.

It didn’t take long to realize that it is, for many, a key feature of deconstruction since it’s often “the thing” that influences people to do a double-take at what they believe and to begin questioning.

After I quit working for a church, the number of people that approached me with their church hurt was almost overwhelming.  Probably not almost.  It was overwhelming at times.

I have heard stories of church politics, betrayal, deception, control, narcissistic leaders, sexism, ageism, racism, abuse of all kinds, and just about everything in-between.

It’s a real thing and it comes in different forms and hits people differently.  

There’s a LOT of info online about it – some of it really great, some of it dismissive and altogether unhelpful. Here’s some of it:

 

The Good Stuff

The good stuff usually helps a person process what happened that caused the hurt and then to process some good, next steps to take to move toward healing, grieving the loss, finding a different community, etc.

The things I’d call good stuff help people to articulate and figure out what happened – and that may be one of the best things a person can do.  A lot of times it is a confusing, disorienting situation to be in “church hurt”.

Why?  The very people you thought were your “family” or on your side sometimes are the very ones who cause great pain.  The situations or environments you used to find help, comfort, and healing in can end up being the opposite of that.

It’s like a lot of blinders come off all at the same time and you see a lot of shocking things at once and it’s more than a little uncomfortable.

The good stuff helps you walk through your narrative – maybe even putting one together for the first time ever – and helps you make sense of what’s happened, where you are now, and what your options might be going forward.

 

The Not So Good Stuff

The less good stuff usually blames the person who has experienced church hurt FOR their church hurt OR shames them for not being the bigger person and pretending the church hurt didn’t happen so that “the church” isn’t made to “look bad”.

“Circle the wagons” is often the response to church hurt – those who don’t quite know to what to do with the hurting people often feel their first response needs to be to protect the organization, its leadership, and any feature of it they personally like or enjoy.

The less good stuff often gets tied up with beliefs or practices and the hurt person is usually written off sooner than later as “probably a heretic”, damaged goods, or something similar where they’re labeled in a way to make them easier to reject.

The not so good stuff has little to no interest in exploring “the church hurt situation” with the person who was hurt because it means the very system they still enjoy and that hurt someone is about to come under attack and attacking that system is an attack on them at some point.

The not so good stuff usually assumes that the local church experience, in general, is still a good thing and that any normal, sane person will eventually come back around to that position and find a way to reinvest themselves into it.

 

Similar, connected, but different

Deconstruction and church hurt aren’t the same thing, but they can be intimately tied together. I’ve known some people who were NOT hurt by church at all and yet because of what they were exploring, belief wise, they deconstructed and moved to a different place with faith.

I’ve known people who have experienced church hurt and did not go into or through faith deconstruction.  They probably were among the hardest hit by the hurt because they often go even harder at trying to believe and behave more in the hopes of relieving their pain.

Most people I’ve known experience church hurt as precipitating event – something that moved them over the line – the straw that broke the camel’s back, the last bit of monkey poo added to the stack that caused it to fall into the fan.

Thankfully, there are more resources available these days for people going through church hurt and deconstruction.  In the past, the response was “What’s wrong with you?” or “Get yourself together and get back to church!” and now it’s a little more of “Let’s explore that together.”

 

Every tribe has its own flavor

In my tribe, most church hurt was relational – people betraying other people.  Gossip, slander, deception to manipulate or control, etc.  Sometimes it was between “regular” individuals, often it included the leadership making things worse, while trying to make everyone happy.

I’ve seen a LOT of people hurt by the misuse of scripture to condemn people they didn’t know or understand -- a lot is caused by immature and/or un-prepared leadership making judgement calls based on their own comfort zones or desires -- and just about everything in between.

Churches are full of people who have very backgrounds and understanding about life, God, and church. Some people are vulnerable and susceptible to abuse and hurt because they feel church and its leaders are naturally safe, need to be submitted to, and want what’s best for you.

 

Not a new thing

Church hurt isn’t new.  It happened “in the Bible” just like it’s happening today.  If you don’t have eyes to see it, it might be hard, but early believers were sometimes unbelievably hard on each other – especially across cultural, economic, and other social lines.

Most of the New Testament writers talked about how believers were treating each other and to remember that God accepted and embraced them, so they too needed to take the time to reflect what God has done for them by doing that with each other.

And it wasn’t assumed that it would be a quick process or that everyone would “get along” after having a quick conversation about it.  Read Romans 12-15 to see a good example of what was going on and what “the solution” looked like.

The difference between then and now probably depends on where you live and how tight you are or were with your local church.  Or how much you depended on them.  Or how much they depended on you.

And there is hope after and/or with and/or in "church hurt"! A lot of hope and good things. Avoiding talking about it is not the path to those good things. More soon!

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We'll come to this later. Just had some people ask about "where it fits"/remind me about it.

Peace and goodwill.