Yeah, that's normal


A lot of the questions I'd get from people when doing many years of "full-time ministry" and some years of college instruction was "Is it normal to ___________?"

It usually seemed to take a while for the person or the couple to approach a subject and ask the question.

Two or three marriages counseling appointments in or a couple of office hour visits to get a sense of what I thought of something.

They would sometimes "beat around the bush" to get the sense of who I was/am and what I thought about a range of topics before they'd ask.

And they wouldn't always ask it that way - "Is it normal to __________?".  

Sometimes they'd bring something up over and over and it became obvious they wanted guidance based on what they shared they'd been doing so far in life.

People want to know "Am I normal?".  

It was often sad to know that many of those people didn't have someone or somewhere in their life where they could ask questions comfortably.  And I worked in a church!

When you probed a bit, you'd find out that when they'd tried to ask others, it didn't go well.  

They'd get a dose of shame, heavy-handed-unsolicited advice, guilt, and other things like that when they tried with others.

It didn't matter if it was family, friends, fellow students, academic advisors, other church members, or even the random acquaintances they felt might give them a listen - some just felt they couldn't ask.  

Or maybe didn't want to ask again without making sure it was safe first.

_______________

The topic really doesn't matter.  

It could be anything from politics to church to "is this growth on my neck something to be concerned about?" -- some people just want to be able to ask questions without getting hammered, smothered, or harshly judged.

Usually I'll clarify what they're asking -- restate what I hear them saying and ask them, "Are you wondering if __________ is normal?" or something like that.

It's been things ranging from:
  • frequency of arguing, having sex, or enjoying spending time with their partner, 
  • how "smart" they are based on their writing or their grades, 
  • if they are too consumed with some activity that some would find questionable, 
  • if they were someone who seemed like a good hire for a job,
  • if they were a dork or a jerk or similar stereotypes,
  • their beliefs about God or church, 
  • their work performance or how they get along with co-workers, etc.
What many of them want to know is whether they are "normal" in relationship to everyone else.  

They're uncertain about "outing themselves" to someone else who might respond, not with information, but with all the junk mentioned earlier.

Normally, I'll respond with "What you're describing is fairly common" or "Yes, that's normal" because what they're asking about usually or often *is* common or normal.

Sure, occasionally, there'll be something that is unusual or different than "normal" or common, but it's not *that* often, given the range of things that are "out there".

And even then, I'm going to be very careful about how I talk to them about it. 

_______________

A lot of people "out there" are interested in what you have to say if they feel you can be trusted not to run over them, talk down at them, control/manipulate them, or be snide with them.

_______________

If you're one of those people "out there" who wonders if you're normal.  

Yeah, probably so, especially relative to all the things that are going on today.  

Is that a good thing?  That's something you have to decide and is a whole other question or discussion.

Be at peace with that.  Don't feel the need to compare everyone else's "A game" they're displaying on purpose to your "B game" that you feel you're living out.

Know that a lot more people feel that "imposter syndrome" thing than just you.

You're probably just being honest with how you feel and don't know they feel the same way too.

Peace and goodwill.

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